Matt Abrahams, a Stanford University Graduate School of Business professor and author of Think Faster, Talk Smarter, argues that everyone can become better at spontaneous conversation, master small talk and learn the art of paraphrasing and apologizing.
Speaking on DisrupTV Episode 347, Abrahams laid out some tips from his book to ponder. Here's a look at the takeaways.
Everyone can get better at spontaneous conversation. "We can get better at a relatively fast clip," said Abrahams. "There are things you can do that almost immediately help you feel more comfortable and confident communicating in the moment. For example, learning a simple structure, how to package your information that can help a few techniques to manage anxiety can help a lot right away."
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Are there differences in generations when it comes to communications? Abrahams said yes and no. This is Abrahams' first year as a professor where all of the students at the Stanford Business School are Gen Z.
He said:
"I've been teaching a long time. I'm old and I've seen lots of shifts and certainly technology like generative AI is changing the way we communicate, and our students are much in many cases more well versed in them. But the fundamental struggles of communicating effectively, confidently, and concisely persist and transcend generations. And it is important that all of us take the time to hone and develop those skills."
You can prepare to be spontaneous. Abrahams said his method to communicating has a lot of counter intuitive notions. The biggest one is that you can prepare to be spontaneous. It's like practicing sports. You do drills and prepare to play the game and be spontaneous and react."
"The vast majority of our communication in our personal and professional lives is spontaneous. It's not the plan presentation, the pitch or the meeting with an agenda. It's the giving feedback, it's the fixing our mistakes, it's the apologizing, it's the small talk, the answering questions, that's what most of our communication is," said Abrahams. "I've developed a methodology. It has six steps to help us get through it. And the steps divide into two categories, mindset and messaging and with practice and with pushing yourself to get better. All of us can improve in our spontaneous speaking."
Structure matters. Abrahams said:
"Structure is critical to effective communication when we are in the moment, and we are having to figure out what to say. Many of us take our audiences on the journey of our discovery of what it is we want to say. In other words, we just list out information, our brains are not wired to receive lists or process lists. Structure a logical connection of ideas, beginning middle and an end."
Small talk is a big deal. Abrahams said his book has two parts. The first focuses on the methodology and the other homes in situations that require spontaneous speaking. He said:
"I was surprised to find that small talk is what seems to resonate more than the other parts. I thought it would be Q&A and feedback. Many of us struggle with small talk and I am on a personal mission to help rebrand small talk. Small talk is a big deal. Big things happen in small talk. Think about some of your closest friends that you have. How did you get to know them? And how did you get closer? Chances are it was through small talk. Think about some of the most important deals that you've made or learnings that you've had. It happens through small talk. So, we often write it away as a frivolous, necessary evil when in fact, big things happen. So, the question becomes, how do we do it better?
It's about being interested not interesting. We lead with curiosity, lead with questions and lead with observations. That's how you get things started. Once you get started, most people feel more comfortable."
The art of the paraphrase. Abrahams said that there are plenty of people who talk more than they should. Sometimes it's malice or sometimes they're just discovering what they're saying as they go and get lost. When in that situation, utilize the paraphrase.
"One of the top three communication tools everybody should develop is paraphrasing where you highlight or summarize some key point somebody has said. It is critical to shutting somebody down. If somebody is pontificating and going on and on, simply jump in by highlighting some crucial element, comment on it and then move on. Paraphrasing is a delightful skill that helps you do that. But it doesn't happen by itself. It is always partnered with good listening. You paraphrase and then there has to be a link, a bridge, to something else."
Listening well. Abrahams said you can learn to listen better by listening for the bottom line instead of the top line. Pay attention to context and how something is said. "What's the person really saying? When we listen intently, we actually hear better. If you want to be a better listener, we have to slow things down. We have to slow the pace. Life comes at us fast and furious, and we have to slow down," said Abrahams. "We have to go to a space we can listen in and allocate space where we can really focus and then give ourselves a little bit of grace to listen intently to what is said and how it is said. Not only to what is said. By giving ourselves a little pace, space and grace, we can all listen better."
He added that better listening also requires eyes, ears and paying attention to the environment.
The art of apologizing. Abrahams said most people struggle with apologies and do it inappropriately. "We don't really apologize. We say we're sorry for how we make people feel vs. what we actually did. We really have to take the time to apologize," he said.
Abrahams added:
"When it comes to apologizing the structure that I teach is AAA just like roadside service here in the United States. AAA will help you. It's three steps and this is the way you can structure a good solid apology. First, you have to acknowledge the incident. What is it that you did? Second, you have to appreciate the consequences for the person and third, you make amends."
There are times when you have to apologize immediately, but others where you can think it through.
